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Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?