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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*pronounces fake like saké*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Bill is short for Billiam
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
But wait…
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.