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As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
😭😭
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
U talkin 2 me?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”