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She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really