You Might Also Like
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.