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baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
we’re dead?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
me hooking up with my ex
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.