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Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“you look easy to draw”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
How do you milk an almond?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
