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I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
what’s in a name?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.