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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.