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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Forever 21… pounds overweight
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.