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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
some Old Testament wisdom
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast