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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over