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“You drive, I’m tired.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
This is my emotional support knife.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me My dog
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
