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[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
No chill.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes