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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
it is time once again
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.