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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”