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A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Writing, She Murdered.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”