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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.