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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Straight people are cancelled
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
When you’re Kinky but poor
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in