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Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Winnipeg!!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.