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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.