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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Encore…
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Fiction has to make sense.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.