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It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.