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Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂