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“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either