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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.