You Might Also Like
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?