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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?