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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?