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A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Sign at work today
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I didn’t come here to be called names
