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one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.