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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?