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I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
the rocks need my help
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Spell check is for lasers.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.