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Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
shut up and take my money
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*bites zombie*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Already got one
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.