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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED