You Might Also Like
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Well, that should do it
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I hope they boil the right one.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER