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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
@funTweeters
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)