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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
