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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
ACED my prostate exam!
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Perfect.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free