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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another