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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”