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Möther may I have a snäck
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
If a snake ate a cake
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers