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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
What flavor cupcake are these
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.