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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.