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I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Can you solve the riddle??
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
