You Might Also Like
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
that’s really how it is
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you