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*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Just got to our Airbnb!
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Unimpressed
Wasps: bees, but not helping
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.