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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.