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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
😂 amazing answer
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school