You Might Also Like
Unimpressed
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*seductively eats two tums*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.