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Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
when mom throws a party…
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Had an epiphany today.
