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David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Dumplings,
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.