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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday