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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
🐿️
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!