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funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.