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Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
an airline just for babies.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints