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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces