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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
definitely did not do anything wrong
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
crazy
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.