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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Am I having a stroke?
Introverted vegans go meetless
Festive toon…
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
how much for the angry fruit?
