You Might Also Like
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish