You Might Also Like
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*