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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
