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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.