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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Everything reminds me of my ex
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
The internet is magic sometimes.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.