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According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
and this one
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”