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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.