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Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.