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Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.