Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today