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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Another day, another…goddammit
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
