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if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex