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Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.