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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
