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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.