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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.